Yeah, but...

Dear Pea,
You are at the top of your negotiating game, let me tell you. I think 95% of everything that comes out of your mouth in response to anything begins with, "Yeah, but..."

For example:
Me: would you like to go to the park?
You: Yeah, but I really want to stay home and watch something
Me: well, it's not time to watch something, but we can stay here and read a book
You: yeah, but I want to play with my cash register

Me: Time for bed, please pick out 3 books
You: Yeah, but I think it's not really time for bed yet
Me: I assure you, it's time for bed
You: Yeah, but maybe we could read 4 books tonight

Me: Would you like carrots or bell peppers with your lunch
You: Yeah, but I want macaroni and cheese
Me: Yep, would you like carrots or bell peppers with your mac & cheese?
You: Yeah, but I want peas

Yeah, but I want to hold the sled string

The other major verbal tic is "sure" or "surely."  As in, "I surely do know how to put on my shoes" and "I sure am going to read this book" or "It sure was pretty good at school today"  It sort of kills me, it's so thoughtful and cute.

I sure can say cheese!

Seattle at age 3

Dear Pea,
We just got back from our first visit to Seattle in over a year. It was awesome. This time around, traveling with you is actually pretty great: you get your own seat, you can carry your own bag (well, sort of), you know what's going on and are excited about it and you LOVE watching TV, so a 6 hour flight is totally manageable. Oh, and using the bathroom instead of diapers on an airplane is the best. thing. ever.

This trip was full of fun things that you could finally appreciate and enjoy. We tackled the aquarium, Pike Place, and the Seattle Waterfront. We saw lots of family. We also were able to have some great downtime and play with Uncle Rossy's old toys. You slept in my childhood bed, snuggled with my old toys and enjoyed being the center of a very large circle of people. I can't wait to go back this summer and see more of our friends. And maybe even do your first camping trip!

Awesome times with Silly Uncle David and Aunt Kathy

Seattle sunset on the beach 

 swinging with Aunt Kathy

 Happy Kirshenbaums and Cohens

 The AWESOME playhouse Aunt Kath made for you. Your mail box was stuffed with Valentines and there were blankets and books inside to get cozy with

You were SUPER into it!

A special day with your cousin Alinea!

 Your very first movie! Frozen. You were mesmerized

Pike Place Market: full of deliciousness

No visit with Uncle Rossy is complete without a carousel ride!

The aquarium was awesome!

 JellyEliza!

 This seal was eager to say hello

 Watching a scuba diver feed salmon and rock fish with Bobbob

Bedtime stories chez Kirshenbaum

Why do you love me?

Dear Pea,
Lately you have been very concerned with my reactions to you and my emotions. When we are in conflict, most often because you are not listening, you will ask if I'm happy immediately once the issue is resolved. For example, we will be heading out to school or an appointment and I'll be trying to get you on the bicycle. You'll run around the sidewalk, happy to be outside for the first time all day.
Me: "Ok, time to get on the bikey!"
You: no answer, zooming around
Me: "I'm going to count to 5 and then I'm going to pick you up to put you on the bike"
You: no answer, zooming around
Me: "1, 2, 3, 4"
You: "DON'T COUNT!"
Me: "Okay, then please come to the bike!"
You: no answer zooming around
Me: "5!"
You:"DON'T COUNT!"
I pick you up, plop you on the bike while you protest and I get frustrated, then as soon as you're buckled in you ask sweetly,"Mama are you happy?"

This happens with every defiance. I answer pretty honestly, usually I'm not flustered as this is status quo these days. But sometimes I am very frustrated or even angry, you have occasionally gotten too close to the curb for my liking when walking on the sidewalk and that freaks me out. You have also had epic tantrums about not getting to go to someone's house or a play space, even when we didn't have plans to go which is maddening to me. And when you ask if I'm happy, I'll say "No, I'm disappointed in your behavior!" Breathe. "I love you, but I'm not happy all the time." Breathe. "I love you!"  To which you asked "Why do you love me?

Gulp.

I mean, the honest answer is hormones. Right? I love you because my body has conditioned me to love you. Pregnancy and breastfeeding are all ruled by hormones, I kept you alive in those first moments because my body didn't really have a choice. And by the time the hormones normalized. we were bonded and I was in love and that was that.

I told you I loved you because you were so much fun to be with, and you made me laugh and smile and also because you are my child and that it my job. You were totally satisfied with that awkward off the cuff reply and spent the rest of the day saying "Am I making you laugh?" "I"m making you smile, Mama, see!"

But it got me thinking about why I really do love you, besides hormones. A lot of it is wrapped up in me, which was surprising to think about, but I'm tying to be honest. I love you because I feel that you have rooted me into this world. You have shined light on dark places, both the ugliness that I pushed away and hidden pockets of life I never knew existed. You force me to examine things I didn't want to look at ever again, stuffed away forgotten hurts that I now dissect daily. You have added so much love to my life, the number of people who know and love you shatters my heart. And the love you have for the world is so awesome and big it softens my cynicism. You riding the subway restores my faith in humanity. As a baby you would always give and receive smiles and now as you sit reading aloud, you connect with more people in a commute than many adults do in their whole day. I also love you wholly for you. Your creativity, your tenacity, your stubborn commitment to whatever you've pinned your heart on that moment. I love that you sing off key with creative lyrics at the top of your lungs when we're biking to school. I love that we both yell "BIG AGUA!" every time we see a canal, river, lake, ocean or really big puddle. It's ridiculous and fun and silly and normal to you. I love that you bargain for everything. I love that you are a snuggly kid, that you love to cuddle and hug (though only certain people, which I also love) and when we read books you insist on us both being under the same blanket. I love that you're sensitive and know when someone else is sad. I love that you tell us if you're sad or angry or frustrated. You had words early and have always used them. One of my earliest hearbreaks was you being not yet two at a party and a bigger girl ripping a toy stroller from your hands and you standing there crying and signing "please" to ask her to give it back (you recovered immediately once another stroller was produced, but I am haunted by that image). Now you say "that hurt my feelings Mama!" which is so wonderful and lovely and annoying, because usually it's in response to something like "we need to sit on the potty before we leave the house" and you don't want to. I love that you are up for adventure, that you are my travel buddy, that you know your limits ("I don't like dogs, I don't want to walk on the sidewalk next to that dog, PICK ME UP!") and that you are willing to try new things. I love that you tell jokes, that you want to make people laugh, that you worry about me being happy. I love that you asked why I love you.

But really, does it matter why? Just know that I do, oh, SO much.

THREE!

Dearest Pea,
Where has the time gone? YOU ARE THREE!!! Three years old. Sometimes I find myself thinking about you as "the baby" and I realize that is totally off base. You are completely your own person, so autonomous and confident and capable.

You love to pretend to be someone else. Most often recently it's Leah from the Signing Time sign language instructional DVDs you love (and I am Rachel, the teacher and Leah's mom) but sometimes you are other characters from TV and books: Curious George, Tyrone, Pablo, Elsa, Domino the Dog, Hello Kitty. Sometimes you are even someone pretending to be someone else: Leah pretending to be a cat, for instance. When you are in these characters, you don't act any differently, you just refuse to be called by any name other than the one you have chosen. And you are very committed-Daddy and I constantly forget and call you Eliza, and you immediately correct us.

You started taking ballet class, which is adorable and hilarious. I'm not allowed to be in the class with you (DROP OFF! WAHOO!) but I got to watch the first day. You love it, mostly because of the outfits.

You love your playgroup that you attend 3 mornings a week. There are 6 kids and you play with all of them well. We bike to "school" and you love to sing and point out the familiar sights on the way.

And you have become quite my helper in the kitchen! Every time I make anything, you want to be front and center. You scramble eggs, mix in spices, roll out dough and add everything to the pan.

With the winter weather keeping us indoors more, you've been exploring arts and crafts and dress up/dance in the house.

BIG GIRL SELFIE!

Pigtails, potty training and PRESCHOOL

Dear Pea, 

At 2.75, you have morphed into a complete and totally independent person. You essentially potty trained yourself and now only wear diapers when sleeping.  Which blows my mind. Whoa, that chapter of our lives is DONE!?? Crazy. Now if you would only start sleeping through the night we'd feel a little less zombie like in our every day lives.

We finished a perfect summer. The weather was rarely unbearable, we still saw some friends, we got out and enjoyed a TON of what NYC has to offer.

 Coney Island-your first rides!

 The Prospect Park Zoo-you thought the lily pads were kale

 Scooting is the essential locomotion preference for the Brooklyn under 10 set

We went apple picking in the Hudson River Valley

You've developed a real interest in arts & crafts and cooking. Your latest specialty is macaroni & cheese (from a box) but you really do a lot of the preparation.

We no longer travel with a carrier-you ride the subway like a bit kid: ducking under the turnstile, climbing the stairs, reading on the train. Here you are getting ready to head to the UWS with Daddy

AND!!  You started an organized playgroup, which is really an anti-school as it's all about play, exploration, nurturing and socializing. The woman who runs it believes that play is the base of children's culture. It's a magical, calm, loving space and we all feel so good when we're there. You like the other 6 or so kids, you like Lele, you come home with new songs and new stories and new skills. You have a life away from me and are learning more than I could teach you. It's so wonderful to be setting you out into the world on a path of your own discovery. We gave you this life, Sweetest Pea. It's yours to live, to discover and own. You're already starting to show your own passions (dance, music, bossing everyone around) and I know soon you'll begin dreaming your life dreams. It's a magical time. 

your first day of "school."

I'm sad because our friends are leaving

Dear Pea,
It's been the summer of mass Brooklyn Exodus. One by one, our friends are departing for more space, cheaper rents (or mortages) and better gigs. Yesterday we lost our BFFs to California, the most heartbreaking move to date. Everyone else has at least been visitable. But Harper is en route to the West Coast and we'll be doing most of our playing over Facetime.

 Several "Farewell to Harper" event this past week 

Unrelated, or maybe not, you have been on a Difficult to Parent streak. You ignore instructions, you totally meltdown at the slightest perceived injustice ("I don't want it to be Monday!!"), you throw your toys, you argue, you tell me that I'm not being nice. This morning, after the 800 millionth tantrum in 2 weeks, I spoke to you very shortly. I had lost my patience and was trying my best not to yell, so I just looked at you with what I thought was a disapproving look. You stared back evenly, concerned. "Mama, are you sad about Jeanmarie moving away?" After that, the day got much better. 

In other news, you've uttered your first swear. It was an F-bomb! Amazing! You were pretending to nurse your doll and after you had switched sides, you looked down at her and told me that your baby is so fucking cute. 

Champion nurser!

This weekend will be a bit of a reunion of sorts and I'm very excited. Friday we're going to visit a friend who moved north and Sunday other friends are coming back to Brooklyn to celebrate their 2nd kiddo's first birthday. It will be so wonderful to have much of the gang together. 

Summer Fun!

Dear Pea,
Your two most common phrases these days are "Remember yesterday?..." and "Let me show you a trick!"

Yesterday is anything that happened in the past. It could have been an hour ago, a week ago or last year. But you really like to tell stories about what happened. They are always accurate and often random (as in, what could have made you think of that?!). Sometimes we have to hear a lot of the story before we know what you're talking about, but most of the time we can figure it out. I read something somewhere that said that children remember early childhood well until about age 4. Once they're 4, most of the early memories fade and the lasting memories start around 4. In any case, you remember a lot of your life so far.

You also love doing "tricks." Tricks are really anything that you're doing. "Let me show you this trick!" basically means, watch me do whatever I'm doing right now. Sometimes it's a somersault, other times it's eating your breakfast. In any case, it's pretty funny.

So far this summer we have traveled to Cincinnati to see dear friends, been to the beach, taken lots of boat rides in the East River, had wonderful special play dates and been to a number of parks. NYC in the summer really is pretty amazing.

 Your first amusement park, Rye Playland! You went on two rides then wanted to go home

Long Beach!

  Cincinnati Pirate Cruise

 Cincinnati fun with friends!!!

 boating along the East River

 giant playground play dates

 your first popsicle, at a concert in Madison Square Park with some friends

 Coney Island