Monday, February 13, 2012

you are 6 weeks old

Dear Pea,
Six weeks ago exactly, I started having contractions.  You were on your way! You were born 13 hours after those first rhythms began.  Since then, my life has been turned upside down and sideways.  I have never been in love like this before.  At first, I thought I was high on hormones, which may have been true.  But now, six weeks later, I am still high. 

You are glorious.

You nurse enthusiastically, hungrily, with gusto and fervor; I can only hope this is a precursor to the way you approach your life.  A healthy appetite will take you far.  You love constant motion,walking with me, being lifted up and down by Daddy. We dance, swing, pace, bounce and sway and you love it all.  We recently introduced you to music, which stopped you in your tracks.  We have been signing to you since birth with mixed results, but real adore it. It's so fun to watch your facial expression change as the music comes on-you instantly calm down and listen.  You smile in your sleep, which the baby books say is a sign of contentment, and have just begun smiling frequently when awake. You smile with your whole face, your eyes scrunching up, your cheeks filling, your mouth open and wide. Your daddy and I get drunk off your smiles, forgetting the screaming fits.

And, oh, the screaming fits.  Exactly four weeks after your birth, you screamed the whole day, inconsolable and frustrated.  You slept and ate, too, so I knew you weren't sick, but it was a terrible day. Daddy came home to both of us bouncing on the big ball, sobbing.  It got better each day and now you only scream that way at night. Every night, for about an hour.  I lay with you on our bed as you scream and sob, your tiny arms and legs pumping furiously.  I rest my hand on your belly, my hand covers your entire belly; you are that tiny.  I sing to you as you rage, The Beatles, Nat King Cole, The Indigo Girls. I feel at once so big and so small.  I can't stop your cries, I don't know what's wrong.  But eventually you settle down and we leave the bedroom to sit on the couch and nurse.  You fall asleep once your belly is full and I bring you back to bed with me.  You always start out on your back, but I wake up in the night with you curled against my body, sleeping almost exactly as you did in my belly, as the yin to the fetal you's yang. 

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day.  Of course, we don't have any big plans, no romantic night out, no champagne.  We wouldn't have done those things anyway, but we usually celebrated in some little way.  A special dinner, small gifts, a card.  This year the thought of trying to cook a special dinner just makes me laugh.  I will order in something that your daddy will like.  It's a silly holiday, but it's always nice to celebrate love. And this year, I love you and your daddy more than I can express.  Nothing in my life has prepared me for how intense this experience would be, how fiercely I could love, both you and your daddy. How much I want to give you, how much you amaze and inspire awe.  Just by being.  Just by purely existing in this world.  The raw energy and force of you is all the Valentine I will ever need.

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